a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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