So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
