with your own penis?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
