Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
