Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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