I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
