Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
