Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
this hospital has no fireball
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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