Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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