So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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