Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
nutella sex= disaster
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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