i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
