I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
