I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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