my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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