So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
