I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
