Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
