You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
