Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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