Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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