Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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