so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
