you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
