apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
