Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if only i could text you this smell
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
