So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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