we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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