And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
