We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
