I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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