Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
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You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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