Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
