Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
did i just pee glitter
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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