I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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