dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
