Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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