I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
