i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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