My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
