I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
