I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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