I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
