I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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