I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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