I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
