I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
