It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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