gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
