Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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