my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
