He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
