There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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