Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
