So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
