in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
