I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
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The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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