I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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