things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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