we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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