Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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