Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
