I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My liver just broke up with me...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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