her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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