Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
